You’re guaranteed to be an asshole.
I was texting back and forth with a client recently about her on-and-off-again boyfriend, trying to field the questions she had about whether or not to stay in it this time.
My response to her was:
“He will be an ass again. That’s for sure. The question is: how will you respond?
“You really really have to ask yourself if you think you have the maturity to respond differently. That would be taking ultimate tresponsibility for your life and happiness.”
Because here’s the thing -
He’s guaranteed to be an asshole again - but so are you.
Somebody could be an asshole because they’re:
Hungry
Hungover
Didn’t get sleep
On a work deadline
Scared or anxious
Sick and tired of the same things coming up all the time
What we need to ask ourselves is:
When my partner is being an asshole, could I try to not take it personally?
Instead of getting on the defensive side, get curious about what your feelings triggered for them - without getting triggered yourself.
When one person starts maturing that way, they are modeling that behavior for the other person. They become confident in their own feelings and with practice and practice and practice, the other person begins to feel safe.
We all want to get our way. We all want to hear Yeses. But that’s just not what happens. So you can get mad or you can ask questions and get curious about what the other person’s experience is.
Which brings me to your homework for this month:
Try on a Creative Response - to any problem (or asshole move) that arises.
From something small like your kid not wanting to put their shoes on, to something big like deciding if you want to continue to be in a relationship with your partner.
If you can be comfortable enough with your own feelings, you can recognize that they’ve triggered someone else, without making them bad or wrong. You can get curious about what happened for both of you. Then there’s an opportunity for a creative response.
_____________________________
Here’s an example:
Partner A comes home with a bunch of bags from Target.
Partner B: “What took you so long? What did you get?”
Partner A: “I got stuff for Easter and spring break...”
B: “Oh cool, how much did you spend, like $50 million dollars?”
A: “No, only $800....”
The reactive response from Partner B could be:
B: “800 DOLLARS?!? What did you buy for 800 DOLLARS?!?”
A: “You don’t appreciate what I do and how much things cost. I don’t even want to talk to you.”
The creative response from Partner B could be:
B: “Ooooo. Wow, ah-- ok.” [pause to take a breath]
A: “Are you mad?”
B: “No, of course I’m not mad. I’m grateful that you took care of all these things for our family. I’m a little surprised at how expensive it is. Want to show me what fun things you got?”
A: [Shows their purchases without shame, feels appreciated and connected. Mayyyybe decides to return one or two things.]
____________________________
The creative response comes from a place of their partner feeling valued. The initial reaction (“Wow, ok…”) leaves space for their partner to ask a question without getting defensive or feeling shamed.
Ultimately it all boils down to the fact that everyone wants to feel important and supported, that what they care about really matters. Once people (adults and kids alike) feel like their opinion really matters and they are able to feel loved and supported - they are usually more willing to shift their behavior.
Try it out and as always, let me know how it goes!
To creative responses galore,
Andrea