loneliness in marriage (yup, it’s not just you)
It can feel lonely in a marriage or partnership when…
You don’t feel like you’re on the same page as your partner
They are not seeing all the things you’re seeing or what you’re contributing
They are not anticipating a few chess moves ahead with planning
They are sitting on the couch all day watching sporting event after sporting event or completely absorbed in scroll after scroll on Instagram
All they want to do is what THEY want to do …
A lot of times, the loneliness creeps in slowly.
You're running around doing all these things for holidays… getting a little thing for the soccer coach, the mailman, etc. You’re outwardly focused on what you’re getting the kids and everyone around you.
One day (maybe today?), you take a pause and realize there’s a way you’re not nourishing yourself, and you’re not feeling nourished in general. You don’t remember the last time you had quality time - or sex - with your partner.
You feel like something is missing. It's’ never just one thing and it’s never just one person. It could be friends who have moved away or friendships that changed through covid, plus not connecting with your spouse and feeling stressed about work.
Personally, I know that feeling of loneliness, too. When I feel it, I tend to notice I haven't been taking very good care of myself, I've been working a bit too much, and I haven't had real time to connect with Chris one on one - without friends, kids, or logistics. That’s when I know it’s time to get out of our house whether it’s taking a walk together, sitting at a restaurant, or going to the beach, where we can connect, talk, and share what we’re feeling.
We are lonely. And, most of the time, we’re not talking about it. We’re hiding our most vulnerable feelings from the people we love the most and who love us the most. It’s scary to share that with anyone, especially if it’s with a spouse in which there are aspects of your relationship that are contributing.
Let’s shift that, shall we?
I put together a quick guide for you this month to break the loneliness cycle - especially if vulnerability is not your thing ;) which for most of us, it isn’t.
Your homework: even in the midst of a crazy busy month, make some quality time with your significant other without distractions and use the following questions to prompt connected conversation.
Here are a few questions to get you started:
How connected are you feeling to me, to us?
What’s one thing we’re having fun doing together?
Is there anything we’re avoiding talking about?
If you’re feeling lonely and disconnected, this is a great way to bring forward consciousness and find points of connection.
For those of you who feel like you need a bit more coaching and direction, check out my group course here. It’s for individuals who are in marriages or long term relationships who want to create more connection and communication so you and your partner can really be on the same page.
To feeling less lonely this holiday season and beyond,
Andrea