How to deal with your in-laws
I sent out a group text to my friends a few days ago:
“For research purposes, please tell me the first word that comes to mind when you think of your in-laws.”
Here’s a summary of their responses:
“Oh boy”
“Oof. It’s more of a guttural groan than a word.”
“I agree. Oof.”
“Damaged.”
I’ve also heard the following:
“You’re so lucky your mother-in-law is international and half dead”
In my therapy practice, I hear nearly every week statements of that sort. From “I can’t stand my father/mother/sister/brother-in-law” to “I hate the way my wife/husband changes when s/he’s with him” to “ugh, my mother in-law is so bossy and controlling…”
In-laws are tricky relationships. And, they can become more tricky because we usually don’t talk about the relationship dynamics directly. Instead, we smile politely while clenching our jaw, clenching our insides, and playing “nice” when the last thing we feel inside is nice.
Here’s the thing - anything you don’t speak to directly builds because you’re resisting it. Resentment, frustration, and judgment of your in-laws will only grow with time if you do not address it.
Imagine speaking to your mother-in-law about the guilt trip she’s giving you and your spouse for not moving closer to where she is.
Imagine saying to your father-in-law, “Hey, we don’t want to model overdrinking to our children as a way of managing social anxiety or stress.”
Imagine calling out their victimhood by saying, “It must be hard to feel like the world is always against you.”
Might feel revolutionary - and even risky - and it is!
If you’ve spent years (decades?!) not speaking up to your in-laws, it can feel like a big jump to go into direct conversations like those modeled above.
For now, how about starting off with a few less direct but still highly effective tips to help you manage your time with them.
10 tips to deal with your in-laws:
Set a boundary with your time: Did you know that you can actually decide not to visit them at all, or decide to go for a short period of time with a clear exit strategy. Choose what’s good for you and your family and make it known to all involved.
Set a boundary with your location: If possible, don’t stay in the same house as your in-laws. If you’re staying overnight or visiting from out of town, see if there’s a friend, hotel, or Airbnb with whom you can crash to maintain some physical distance.
Set up the rules of engagement: In advance of your time with the in-laws, have a discussion with your partner about problem behaviors that often occur when you’re around them and then create a short list of rules to follow in relation. A few examples: be aware of how much you drink / don’t mention politics / help out in the kitchen
Come up with a code word or phrase: If things start going in the wrong direction, or if you reach your limit, have an agreed upon word or phrase you can say to signal to your partner that it’s time to leave or time to have a private conversation.
Stay conscious of your own behavior: When people are around their parents, they often regress emotionally to their younger selves. While you can’t stop it, once it’s happening you can make a choice to notice it and come back into your more emotionally mature self.
T.H.I.N.K. before you speak: Take a cue from the poster that can be found in many a school and pause and assess these factors before you talk to your in-laws:
T - is it True?
H - is it Helpful?
I - is it Inspiring?
N - is it Necessary?
K - is it Kind?
Consciously choose to find connection: Set the intention to look for something you have in common with your in-laws, and if you have kids you can ask them to do the same.
Practice a Loving Kindness meditation: One of my favorite practices both personally and for my clients is the Loving Kindness meditation. You start by thinking about someone who is effortless to love - like a pet or a newly born niece or someone without strong negative emotional ties. Then you say the following, adding their name to the blank spaces:
May ____ be happy,
May ____ be healthy,
May ______ be kind to themselves and others.
May _____ love themself just as they are.
May ______ live in peace
May ________ be free from pain and suffering.
Then you move to someone who is a bit more difficult, then you do it for yourself, then you do it for the worst in-law possible, and then you do it for someone totally neutral like the UPS delivery guy or your barista. Do this every day for the week leading up to seeing your in-laws and on the days you're with them. You’ll have much less anxiety and dislike as a result! {bonus tip: if you can’t remember all of that, you can find guided meditations on an app like Insight Timer or on YouTube}
9. Use Your Imagination: Imagine your in-law is someone you greatly admire and would love to spend time with and get to know. (Mine would be: Oprah, Paul McCartney, Maria Shriver, Dwayne Johnson, Jason Sudeikis, or Brene Brown) Take on this attitude as you are listening and engaging with them and notice how it changes the interaction.
10. No Splitting: Make a commitment with your spouse that no matter what snarky remarks come your way, you will not be split into sides. There will be no Mother-In-Law vs. Wife camps. Instead, allow these often passive-aggressive comments to roll off your back and maintain the agreed-upon boundaries that you set ahead of time together. Your relationship is the primary and needs to be valued. Keep in mind, you are not married to your parents!
Can you try even one of these to help deal with your in-laws over the next month?
Let me know if you do, and keep those lovin-kind thoughts going :)
You got this,
Andrea
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