Politics and relationships
What I’ve noticed with this election cycle, like the two previous ones, is that it has this incredible power of division, separation, and even destruction in relationships.
So what happens when division occurs in your marriage, friendships, or family? And, more importantly, how do we navigate these differences in our relationships?
I am very close with both of my parents. We typically love discussing politics and world affairs. Over the years, there've been many agreements and disagreements, but all of them were navigable. Until the summer of 2016.
I started noticing something happening during my calls with my dad. As soon as I called, I couldn’t get off the phone fast enough. It was weird; it was almost like a switch had flipped, and I couldn’t understand what was happening.
This happened for a couple of weeks, when one day I got off the phone with my dad after four minutes and wished I’d never called. It was so stark that it caused me to pause and get curious.
So I called my dad right back and said something to the effect of:
“Dad, my entire life, I’ve loved talking with you about anything: politics, work, boys, kids, friends, mom, everything. But lately I’m not wanting to talk to you. This is NOT the relationship I’m used to and it’s not the relationship I want to have with you.
“How about we try this: you can not tell me anything you dislike about my candidate but you can tell me all the things you respect, admire, and love about your candidate. And I’ll do the same.
“I believe there’s a lot we agree on, and I think we can be the change we want to see in this country. Let’s sew up the divide and division that’s being pumped into our country and do things differently.”
And guess what? We did.
If you’re feeling the stress, division, or isolation of the upcoming election, you’re not alone. And you also don’t have to let it crumble your most valued relationships.
Here are the rules my dad and I came up with, which I often recommend to my clients and would love to share with you:
Speak from a positive point of view about your own candidate or political party rather than complaining about or dissing the opposite one.
Make a list of the shared values that you have with this loved one. Notice where you are similar rather than different.
Try on their perspective. I know it will be nearly impossible, but try to see the world from their perspective. See if you were them and how you would support the other person's candidate. There is this exceptionally powerful Thich Nhat Hanh poem Please Call Me By My True Names, that is worth a read when trying to see another person's point of view and practice being non-judgmental.
Use the “bookmark” technique. If you find yourself getting heated, emotional, or triggered, ask if you can bookmark this conversation for another time after you’ve had the opportunity to let the heat of the moment pass so that you can approach it from a much calmer and collected place.
Remember: People are in a fixed mindset when it comes to their views, especially with politics. You don’t need to convince someone to change their perspective. Accept the fact that there’s nothing you can do to convince your loved one to vote for your candidate and vice versa.
Sending you all the strength and grounding during these times!
