on friendship breakups
Breaking up with a friend is a different kind of pain than breaking up with a significant other. With a significant other, even though no one plans on the relationship ending, we know that it is something that "could" happen.
But with friendship, we have our "BFF's" and "friends forever" beliefs. When those relationships end, often the "breakup" is not something as concrete and direct as getting a divorce, but a slow drip away from connection, leaving you feeling very lonely, uncertain, and vulnerable.
In friendships, there is often an exchange of very intimate and personal stories that can lead to a feeling of being exposed when the friendship ends. Because friendships do not usually end in a clean and severed kind of way, the dumped friend is often left with confusion about what happened and a longing for understanding and connection. So, you are not only lonely and exposed but also confused about what happened.
The loss of the friendship creates a hole in your heart that leaves grief and loss in its wake.
If you’re someone who has lost a friend, here are a few things to consider:
Reach out to your friend with a text or handwritten note, telling them that you miss them and you would love to connect.
Think about the ways you were open and ways you were closed in the friendship. What would you do differently in the future?
Ask yourself if there is anything you need to take responsibility for in ending the friendship. It is way easier to point the finger at someone than to look in the mirror, so try looking in the mirror and see what you learn about yourself in this friendship.
Give it time. I have had multiple years-long dry spells with some of my closest friends that, with the passage of time and some long, deep, vulnerable conversations, have re-blossomed into stronger friendships than they ever would have had we not had a falling out.
Accept that not all friendships are lifelong. Many come in to teach us important lessons that change our perspective on life. Accept those friendships for what they are.
Know someone who had a falling out with a friend? Forward this to them!
Sending love,
