Navigating anxiety with your partner
A client was at dinner with her family recently. While they waited (a very long time) for their food to come out, the topic of their next vacation came up. Suddenly, her husband was in a tizzy Googling the climate in Thailand in April when they were scheduled to travel and started to freak out.
He got super upset that it was going to be hotter than he imagined. He dwelled on how he doesn’t do well in heat and didn’t want to be consoled.
There was clearly a lot of anxiety around travel that was coming up for her husband, but he wasn’t able to articulate it. He was caught up in the emotions of it all.
My client had a couple of choices in how to respond. She could:
A. Join in on the anxiety and commiserate with his fears (which would only make it worse)
B. Try to console him (which wasn’t working)
C. Ask him if they could table the conversation for now and give him some time to process it (which they wisely ended up doing)
He ended up sleeping on it and apologizing the next morning.
A pattern was emerging around travel for him - it seemed like every time they were getting ready to plan a trip or go somewhere, his anxiety would crop up in different forms due to his personal history with travel and the anxiety it brought up for him since he was a child.
If you or your partner experience a similar form of recurring anxiety, whether it's about travel, finances, or anything, I’d love to share some ways to navigate it together!
First, why it happens:
I like to think of anxiety as an out-of-whack, super-protective friend who wants to keep you safe no matter what. The more you try to push away and ignore this kind of friend, the more intense that friend becomes. The overprotective friend (anxiety) feels misunderstood, hurt, and scared by you pushing it away when it’s only trying to keep you safe (help you be productive) and, therefore, tries harder to get your attention to keep you safe.
In more scientific terms, it’s caused by neural pathways in your brain that learn over time how to respond to certain circumstances. These pathways in your nervous system become routine and continue to show up when triggered.
What to do when you notice the anxious patterns:
The truth is, you won’t get rid of anxiety by resisting it. In those moments, you need to slow it down and address it with your partner. This will help because anxiety wants you to hide and withdraw. When you shine a light on the anxiety and share your feelings with someone you trust, the anxiety becomes a long, slow exhale that goes away.
Here’s how you can do that in a process with your partner:
1—Name it: Start by calling it what it is: “Hey honey, it looks like your Travel Anxiety is coming back up.” Or, “I feel the Sunday Night Scaries coming on.” If your partner can’t name it for themselves, maybe you can gently point it out.
2—If you’re the partner who isn’t having the response, don’t join in on it. Anxiety is contagious. If we're not mindful, we start feeling what someone else is feeling. Have a sense of boundaries between you and your partner instead of taking on their feelings.
3—Ask questions: Once you and your partner recognize the anxiety and call it by a name, like Sunday Scaries, for example, you can ask it what it’s there for. “Hey, Sunday Scaries, why are you back?” And then talk it out with your partner. Maybe you realize what a great weekend you had that you don’t want to end, maybe they are dreading their boss, or maybe you both want to rest more.
4—Try a breathing exercise together: A method called “box breathing” is a great practice for reducing overall stress levels. Box breathing begins by imagining a square box. Begin by inhaling for five counts up the side of the box, hold your breath for five counts as you move across the top of the box, exhale for five seconds down the side of the box, and then hold for five seconds across the bottom of the box. Repeat this breathing and visualization for ten counts, and watch how more focused and relaxed you are.
Bottom line: If you feel in partnership around the anxiety and that someone else is on your team, it helps. Help your partner know you appreciate and support them so that they can relax, and so can you. You’re soothing yourself and each other.
Over time, anxiety can become a signal that it’s time for more connection and communication between the two of you!
Try it out, and let me know how it goes!
