Hate driving with your partner?

#1

Passenger says: “Hey - Watch out for that car!”

#2

Driver angrily says: [@#$%!!!!!] “Do YOU want to drive???”

#3

Passenger says (stunned and a little sheepish) - “No….”

On our roadtrip from San Francisco to Denver, Chris was driving and I shouted, “Hey - Watch out for that car!” which made him jerk the car more than he would have. He started hollering at me and asked why I needed to say it like that. I of course argued that I didn’t say it that way, but I also mentioned I didn’t mean to scare him. Later on that day he said, “Sorry I hollered, I didn’t mean to. I was startled.” 

A client of mine, let’s call her Lena, is always the driver. Her husband is always in the passenger seat when they are in the car together. They’ve learned over time that Lena’s anxiety is managed best this way and it prevents them from getting into fights. 

Lena is not alone in this preference. Working as a couples therapist over the last 20+ years has made me very aware of the dynamics of car driving and how it impacts a relationship. And of course, my husband Chris and I have had our share of driving related arguments, as shared above. 

Whether it’s “backseat drivers” or simply a preference for speed, there is often a difference between both partners and their driving styles, which can create tension. 

Why is this the case?

Well, as the passenger in a car, you are not in control. You are giving over trust to the other person who is driving. You are literally prone to higher amounts of the stress hormone cortisol, as we learned from a study where rats learned to drive cars. 

The problem here is less about the driving preferences of each person causing a mistrust, and more about the fact that they are not on the same page when they get into the car. 

When a couple gets into the car, they are each bringing with them different thoughts or stressors or remnants of energy from their last text message. If you’re running late, that also adds stress that each of you could be handling differently. 

Unconscious dynamics are at play here. And when you’re not aware of these dynamics and are not on the same page as your partner, it’s hard to trust. 

So here’s your homework for the month:

Next time you get into the car with your partner (or anyone, for that matter), take an intentional moment of pause first. 

Wait for 30 seconds before you start driving and check in with each other. Once you feel connected and have an understanding of where your partner is coming from, there’s no need to let control get in the way or cause conflict. 

Here are some examples of questions you could ask each other:

“How are you feeling? Where are you at?”

“In my opinion 4 eyes are better than 2 - do you agree? Or should I keep my 2 eyes to myself?”

“Just letting you know that I’ll tell you if I’m feeling nervous about the speed you’re driving.”

If you’re on a longer road trip, “Should we set an agreement on how long each person drives?” 

There are so many benefits to taking 30 seconds to check in every single time you get in the car - with your partner or someone else. (I mean, you are driving a 3,000 lbs metal speed machine!)

Try it out and tell me how it ends up benefiting YOU! 

Andrea