Boredom in relationships

Boredom. It’s an uncomfortable feeling that most people try to resist or distract themselves from feeling. But what if boredom was actually an opportunity to lean in and get curious?

When my kids come running to me complaining that they’re bored and want iPad time, I try to use it as an opportunity to use our creativity. The same technique can be used in intimate relationships. If you notice the unpleasant feeling of boredom in your relationship - with your conversations, sex, or even in the meals you’re eating - this is an invitation to bring curiosity and creativity forward -- and likely some vulnerability. 

I usually find when boredom strikes in relationships it’s a symptom of being disconnected internally. We’ve had a lot on our emotional plates these last couple of years with the pandemic and the lack of diversity most of us have experienced has led to many feelings, including boredom. Because it has been so intense, there is true wisdom in being disconnected as a way to survive. When disconnection lasts for too long though, it becomes problematic and may disguise itself as boredom.

So if the antidote to disconnection is connection, then activating more connection is also an antidote to boredom! 

So often people turn to devices when they are bored or in the worst cases, look for excitement by having an affair. (See how both of these scenarios involve connection?)

Before you do something destructive, try having a conversation - which brings me to an action step for you:

If you get bored in your relationship, sit down with your partner and talk about what is going on -- or more likely what is not going on. 

Try sharing with your partner: 

“Hey, I am feeling bored in our relationship. How are you feeling?” 

Or

“Hey, do you ever feel bored? In our relationship or elsewhere?”

Then be prepared to have a deep and meaningful conversation. 

When you really look at boredom, you may find that it is not just stemming from your relationship, but it could also be in your work and your life in general. When you have the boredom conversation with your partner, allow everything to come to the surface. See if there are creative solutions you can try out to bring forward some deeper connections. It might be an invitation to put phones away and play a game together or try to cook a new recipe together. 

When you bring the boredom conversation into your relationship, you are bringing forward the opportunity to connect and be vulnerable. 

Be aware that your partner might react defensively and initially not know how to handle this conversation, but if you go slowly and don’t expect them to take care of your boredom, (i.e. the way my kids want me to with their iPads ;), you have a real opportunity to learn more about your partner and invite them more into your inner world.

And THAT is anything but boring ;)

to spicing things up with healthy conversation,

Andrea

p.s. I got some extra credit for you: Best way to bust the boredom without words? Try dancing with your partner every night for a whole week. Choose a different song each time and have fun grooving together! Feel free to start with this one ;)