want to rewind that argument?
Have you ever wished you could hit rewind during an argument with your partner and say, "See! That’s what I was talking about!" or "You’re wrong—this is exactly what happened!"
If so, you’re not alone.
I hear this from clients all the time—“I wish you had a recording so you could hear exactly what happened!”
We all have a deep desire to prove our version of the story, to feel validated that our perspective is accurate, important, and worthy of change. But here’s the thing: when we focus on proving our point, we miss the opportunity to connect.
The Black Mirror episode, The Entire History of You (Season 1, Episode 3), is a chilling example of just how destructive this can be.
In the episode, people have access to a technology called The Grain, an implant that records everything they see and hear. This allows them to rewind and rewatch past events at will. The protagonist, Liam, becomes convinced that his wife, Ffion, is hiding something. Instead of trusting his intuition or having a vulnerable conversation, he spirals into obsession—replaying, rewinding, and analyzing every interaction. Check out a brief clip here.
What ends up destroying their relationship is the cycle of suspicion, defensiveness, and blame that builds along the way.
Here’s the truth: when we’re defensive, we block connection.
When we’re busy trying to prove what did or didn’t happen, we miss what our partner is actually feeling.
A Different Way: Empathy and Accountability
Instead of defending your actions, imagine how powerful it would be to respond with empathy:
“I can see what you mean. That must’ve really hurt. That wasn’t my intention, but I get why it landed that way.”
Now that creates connection.
Next time your partner says, “It really hurt me when you said that,” try to resist the urge to say, “That’s not what I meant!” Instead, pause and ask yourself:
👉Can I put myself in their shoes?
👉Can I FEEL what it’s like to be in their position?
When you focus on understanding rather than defending, you open the door to healing, trust, and deeper intimacy.
The need to be “right” feels urgent in the moment, but empathy and accountability are what truly create lasting change.
So next time you’re tempted to replay the argument in your mind—or worse, demand your partner “prove” what happened—pause and ask:
What would it look like to respond with empathy instead?
With love and connection,
