on managing frustration with your spouse
It is inevitable that you will get frustrated, angry, and even rageful with your spouse at some point in your relationship. Anger is tricky because the brain releases dopamine when you get angry, and the dopamine rush can easily become addictive.
The most important thing to keep in mind is that you are the one who has the power to decide how you want to communicate when you get angry with your spouse.
Here are a few tips that I give to my clients every day:
★ The Dump:
This cathartic exercise is a venting out of all of your thoughts and feelings, not at or with your spouse, but with a trusted friend. When you rant to a dear and trusted friend via voicemail or voice memo, you can tell your friend how angry, hurt, hopeless, sad, and frustrated you are and get all the more difficult feelings out so you can come back to your partner with a more calm state of mind.
The rules: You and your friend need to make an agreement that you will only listen and not give any advice or feel the need to fix this momentary situation. Remember, this is a safe place to rant. Imagine being able to say to your friend, “Agh, I just hate it when she always seems to nag me just as I am about to sit on the couch. She’s so annoying.” And then, once that feeling of annoyance gets vocalized, it disappears.
People think feelings are fixed and permanent when, in actuality, they are transient and constantly changing. Once you begin to express your feelings, you begin to feel better and often laugh that you were resisting doing something simple like the dishes.
★ Bookmark:
I have my clients choose a neutral word that can be said at any time or anywhere when they begin to feel they or their partner is getting dysregulated. Using the word “bookmark” is my favorite because it is easy to say and implies you will come back to this topic.
The rules: When both people in the couple are relaxed and connected, decide on a mutual word that you can share when getting angry or upset. Additionally, when choosing your word, remember the most important part about calling “bookmark” is to state a specific time that you will come back to the “bookmarked” conversation, ideally after both people have slept, eaten, taken a walk, or are sober.
The idea behind it is that the most constructive conversations will happen after both people are in a calm and relaxed state. Clients often complain that they fear they are being told to shut up with the neutral word, and it might feel that way initially. But once you have the experience of committing to and coming back to a specific time to finish the conversation, the bookmark will feel like a safe and trusted friend to both parties.
★ Sensations timer:
I have my clients start paying attention to the sensations anger creates in their bodies. They begin to notice the beginning of their anger and where they feel it first: arms, stomach, chest, jaw, and hands. This awareness is essential, as often people are unconscious to the early signals that their body is sending when they are getting upset and only realize it after they have yelled at their partner.
The rules: Once you notice the early sensations of anger in your body, set a timer for 90 seconds and then watch the sensations move through your body. If you just watch the sensations and do not add any more stories to fuel the anger, the sensations will subside. Just think how beneficial a 90-second pause would be for your marriage every time you start to get angry.
Give one of these a try, and let me know how it goes! And maybe the first step in setting up The Dump is to forward this to a trusted friend with whom you can start those rants ;)
