the real F-word
Ever feel like you’re doing more than your partner? Taking on more of the workload in your relationship?
If so, you’re not alone. I often hear this from the couples I work with – that all too familiar sense of resentment emerging as one partner vents about just how much they do on a regular basis - from cooking to kids stuff to planning trips.
It might be tempting to say or think: “It’s not fair!” - which only compounds the resentment.
I strongly urge you to avoid that phrase and treat “fair” like the F-word it is! In my household, “it’s not fair” is the real F-word. My kids and my husband and I know not to say it because we’ve adapted a different approach to dealing with resentment, which is what I want to share with you today.
Because here’s the thing to remember -
It's never going to be in balance. Someone will always be doing more of one thing or another. It’s not about who’s doing what, it’s about the communication involved, and acknowledgment.
The question to ask yourself is this: Is it really about the scoreboard or is it about feeling disconnected? When you’re feeling connected, you can clean the house, pick up the dry cleaning, empty the dishwasher, book a vacation, and feel really proud of what you’ve done. It’s when there’s an underlying disconnect between you and your partner that resentment can build more easily.
If you’re struggling with feeling like it’s not fair and want to start moving out of resentment and into communication with your partner, follow these steps:
Find the courage to sit down and make a date to have a conversation with your partner.
Make a list of what each person is doing in your household. Sometimes both people aren’t aware of what is actually happening, so it’s good to put it on paper and read through it together.
Next, share how you’re feeling - i.e. “It’s feeling really imbalanced to me that I’m taking on so much housework, carpooling duties, making social plans….”
Ask each other an inquiry question: “What are the circumstances that are contributing to this imbalance?” It takes the blame out of the conversation and brings some curiosity in.
Make sure you and your partner have time to take space if things get heated or difficult. If you need to take space you can hit the pause button and commit to a time when you will to come back to the conversation.
Check in about anything else that might be feeling off - including a lack of connection or communication on the regular.
Ask for what you want - not just the chores, but the hug, the eye contact, the dance, the recognition that things have felt funky.
Make a commitment to do the funky chicken dance! i.e. Work through the funkiness together: Listen to each other, make eye contact, make the most of the time you have together, appreciate each other - whether you’re the one working 100 hour weeks or loading the dishwasher every day.
Agree to eliminate the real F-word going forward ;)
I know these conversations can feel like pushing water uphill - exhausting, scary, not worth the effort, like nothing is going to change - and it certainly won’t change if we don’t practice these skills and have these conversations that will get easier the more we do them.
If you’d like some support in developing these communication skills and getting the courage to use them, click through and get on the waitlist for my Relationship Revival Bootcamp course. It’s my favorite way to teach you these tools and give you the accountability to actually use them!