this weekly practice could save marriages

There was a couple I worked with years ago… The wife was anxiously attached while the husband was a bit avoidant. He wanted to be in the relationship but was very independent, whereas she was seeking a lot of validation and attention.

I had them start sharing each other’s calendars weekly to check in and see what was happening in each other’s worlds for the upcoming week. What happened was that the more they made time to do this weekly ritual, the less tight and anxious and controlling she became, the more engaged he became, and the smoother they navigated things in their relationship. She felt included and considered in his world. He felt less tension, a greater sense of ease.

This practice of having a weekly “team” meeting with your partner is what I want to introduce you to today.

Just like you might have weekly meetings with your manager or various team members at your workplace to create more efficiency and communication, it’s just as important to make time for a weekly check in with your partner.

It’s an opportunity to be together without devices or distractions and to have more intentional connection, while you also handle some practical planning and strategizing.

 Here’s how it works:

-       Schedule an hour time slot each week where you and your partner can sit down together with your calendars and each other.

-       Since we know that habits get formed when they happen at specific times and are linked to something pleasurable, be sure to add in a reward. Maybe you schedule the meeting over a delicious breakfast on Sunday mornings, or you agree to have a brunch out afterwards - something that you both find delicious and joyous.

-       Think of the topics you’ll cover like layers in time:

-       This week - i.e. meal plans, carpooling plans, any decisions we need to make this week for next week

-       Next week - i.e. who’s bringing the dog to the groomer, social plans

-       Next 3 months - i.e. upcoming holidays and travel, back to school shopping, planning birthday parties

-       6 months to year - i.e. what do we want to do next summer? Do we want to stay in SF or move? How are you feeling at work in this career? Are we putting enough money aside into our savings and how can we save more?

-       Include a relational status check in: i.e. Is the tide in or out with us?  Are we due for a date night? How is each person feeling?

-       Once you identify the tasks at hand, be sure to identify who’s taking ownership of each one.

-       Remember, if it gets stressful, you can always take a pause.

We are often so distracted and busy, juggling a million balls, spending too much time on instagram or netflix or email, that we forget we can just talk about things. And when we talk, it makes us feel more connected and allows our lives to flow more easily.

The more you practice this on a weekly basis, the easier even the tough conversations will get.

September is “back to school” month  and whether or not you have kids, there’s something about a new season that creates a chance for a fresh start, for trying on new habits.

Maybe this is the new game changing habit you try on?

I’d love to hear how it goes!