Fighting with the ones you love

There’s nothing more painful than fighting with your favorite people in the world… for me, that’s my partner and my kids.

While fighting with our kids usually has a quick resolution, when we fight with our significant others the hurt and pain can and often does last for weeks. And with each passing day, the silent distance grows, and with it grows the pain.

It makes sense to me why this happens. It’s painful to talk about the silent distance, especially when you can’t quite put your finger on why it’s there. It’s just been growing and growing silently like mold over weeks and weeks.

During this growing period you might have thoughts that they can’t stand you, don’t like you, and or don’t love you anymore. Those are scary thoughts that make talking even scarier. Your heart aches, but you keep that hidden deeply inside, maybe so deep that you don’t even know how deep the ache is. (Has it been there since May, July, last week? How long has it felt this bad??)

But what you experience is lethargy, impatience, a low grade malaise and a heightened sensitivity to every little thing that’s out of order. The kids start acting out because they can feel that energy, but don’t know what that energy is, so they start doing something that can help give the silent mold a reason to be existing.

This silent mold is slowly killing the relationship and even as you see it coming, you feel powerless. So instead we distract ourselves, we get super busy, making plans with everyone so we don’t have a moment to pause and connect. It becomes uncomfortable to change your clothes in their presence, that vulnerability feels like too much.

Then you start hating yourself, your body, your everything. You turn that silent mold in on yourself and it slowly tears you down. The bottle of wine at dinner seems like such a good idea, then at least you don’t have to feel uncomfortable and maybe it’s something to connect over. But then you sleep like shit and wake up tired and even more sad.

Then you see the young lovers who look freshly showered and freshly f*cked oblivious to oncoming traffic and you hate them. They remind you of what you lost, what you haven’t felt in years or decades. The pain gets stuck in your throat and you want to cry, but instead you pour your hatred into those young lovers who have no idea how much they will hurt in the years to come.

Could it be as simple as saying to your partner:

“I miss you. We haven’t connected in a long time. I want you to know that I love you.”

Simple yes, but still scary to say out loud. I know these feelings, I know how scary and alone it can feel.

And yet, somebody has to take the leadership role and break the ice. I know it’s scary, and I’m here for you.

p.s. If you really want to shift into being more alive, more daring, and more willing to shake off the mold, I’ll be hosting a free weekend challenge Jan 20-23 to bring the “Hell Yea” back into your relationship. Save the date for now - more details are coming soon!