The holidays can be a joyful time, but for many, they also bring a stark reminder of the people - and things - we’ve lost. 

Those first holidays without someone you love are often the hardest, filled with moments that magnify their absence. 

And it’s not only losing someone physically that can bring up a lot during the holidays. It’s also the pain of loss through divorce and break ups, or even of losing a job. In my experience, other people don’t notice the impact of these other types of losses as much as they do the death of a loved one. But all of them involve a process of grieving. 

So, how does grief affect relationships, especially over the holidays? 

Here are a few ways: 

1 - Pushing away. 

We can isolate ourselves and push away our partners because the fear of losing someone else is unbearable. While it might seem like we want to be alone, often we really just want our partner to resist the pushing away and to check in and show that they are there for us.

And we can push away not just romantic partners, but friendships and extended family as well. It’s so common when a family loses their mother, for example, that sisters or brothers stop talking to each other. It can be so unbearable and we humans have a very intelligent yet skewed response to push away - when what you’re really needing is connection when you don’t feel loved or safe. 

2 - Getting defensive.

Especially when it comes to grieving the loss of a job, it can be accompanied by rejection. It then ripples into fear of more rejection and that then ripples into defending against rejection which is toxic for relationships. 

The best thing you can do to avoid this is to share the feelings of insecurity when they come up. Get curious about what your partner is feeling - or what you yourself are feeling - and ask questions rather than putting up walls or snapping back.  

3 - Going through the motions.

When the holidays are in full force and life is seeming to go on as usual, it can be difficult to pretend things are normal when you’re hurting so much inside. We can become robotic in our actions and communication, numbing ourselves with alcohol, food, or shopping to try and avoid the pain.

If you find yourself in these patterns or see your partner in them, gently call them back to the present. Make time to process the emotions without distractions. You can try writing a letter, or listening to music that touches something in you. You don’t even have to understand the emotions to let them go. Crying is so so healthy and valuable and will go a long way to helping you feel better and be more present. 

And remember - there’s no magic cure for this pain—grief doesn’t simply fade away. It’s a process, one that unfolds at its own pace.

Grief is complex, messy, and deeply human. It’s a testament to how much we love, even when that love feels lost. Be kind to yourself and those around you during this season of togetherness.

Sending my love and support,

P.S. If you’re navigating these holidays solo or newly going solo, real kindness towards yourself is essential. Be brave enough to ask your closest people for what you need and ways you can feel supported during what could likely be a painful and lonely time. And if you are the closest person to someone who is about to spend the holidays alone, keep all that in mind and reach out with love and belonging.