Many years ago, the preschool drop-off was very unpleasant. I was on my own in the mornings as Chris worked Wall Street hours and left the house by 5:30 am or earlier. Everything in the morning fell on my shoulders. And when I say it was hard, I mean it was hard.

A mantra from that era was, “We will get there when we get there. Not a minute before or a minute after.” It’s an incredibly beneficial mantra for soothing yourself when you’re running late.

(And for anyone in the throws of school drop off - Another lifesaving cheat/trick that came out of that era was getting Livi dressed the night before in what she planned on wearing the next day.)

But I digress from the main point of this note -

Every morning after drop-off, I would call Chris to complain about how impossible it was to get them out the door.

Sometimes, I’d just want him to listen to me and witness the struggle. Other times, I wanted to brainstorm ideas with him and have him help problem solve.

Chris learned to ask me one important question:

This question connects you and your partner in a satisfying way for both of you. This question gives you something tangible to do when someone is ranting. Because we often don’t need anything other than a kind and empathetic ear. 

In my practice, one member of the couple usually has a harder time just listening with an empathetic ear and often feels blamed or accused of doing something wrong because their partner feels upset. But the truth is, your partner feels upset and needs to be heard, period. 

Remember: Feelings don’t always make sense on the outside. It’s normal for other people’s feelings to feel overwhelming. If you find yourself there, just ask that simple question! And have your partner learn to ask you, too. 

To better communication,

p.s. To better illustrate the point, check out one of my FAVORITE videos ever: