is couples therapy a sign of failure?
“Dave would think we’re totally failing if we were to go to couples therapy. He sees it as a sign of weakness.”
A friend recently shared this with me, and it’s certainly not the first time I’ve heard it. Connected to the greater mental health stigma, oftentimes, couples wait until things get bad before they start couples therapy.
In my experience, therapy can be preventative medicine, not just for when things go wrong. It’s a way to create flow, ease, understanding, and learning about your partner.
Many health insurance plans make you do a physical every year to lower your premiums because when you take care of your health preventatively, you have fewer problems down the road.
Same with relationships.
If you notice that you are rolling your eyes more often, or your sex is decreasing, or you’re running parallel lives with little time to connect - those are great indicators to spend an hour a week - or an hour and a half every other week - to be focused and mindful together and start becoming more awake to your unconscious patterns, both personally and as a couple.
Some of the topics you could explore include:
- learning skills around defensiveness,
- learning to tolerate the discomfort,
- having the space to discuss your different parenting styles,
- having a safe space to discuss the things you’re worrying about,
- and the list could go on!
It makes you as a couple so much stronger, and the ripple effect of what it does to your family is palpable. It benefits all, whether it’s your kids or siblings or parents. They can feel the strength of your commitment being held. What happens is that each person emotionally matures - almost becoming more of an adult. You can have more difficult conversations, and you can share some of the burdens that you’re managing.
If you sense it might be time to explore therapy with your partner, here are 3 simple ways to ease in:
Start by saying: “let’s just go 6 times.” Committing to a handful of sessions helps you feel less daunted by the prospect of having something to do every week forever, and it gives you a good chance to really see what therapy can do for you both.
Have an idea of 1 thing you’d like to get out of it. While the benefits will likely spread to many areas, it’s good to be focused and to start with one specific thing you’d like to get from it, whether it’s more connection, a feeling of understanding, or a better division of chores and responsibilities in the relationship.
Think about it as a date for you and your partner. Where else can you find an hour where there are no devices or distractions? Use it as an opportunity to really connect and maybe even schedule another date for after the session :)
Most of all, be open to the magic of the process!
I currently have a few openings for my Couples Intensive as well as my new Group Coaching cohort. Click through to learn more and explore working together!
To preventative measures and unlikely pleasures,
