conflict in friendships
Earlier this month I talked about having accountability in your relationship with your partner (if you missed it, click here to read!).
And while your partnerships are technically the main focus here, it’s also worth talking about the relationships we have with friends, and how to handle conflict within them.
I have heard too many stories of friendships dissolving because people never talk to their friends about their hurt, or when they do it's all a defensive mess.
No matter who it’s with, conflict is what builds our strength and connection, while avoidance damages it.
I know about this firsthand, you likely do too.
A number of years ago I waited six months to tell a dear friend how much she had negatively impacted me. I could feel the growing distance every time we spoke or made plans to be together.
When I was finally brave enough to reach out to share with her how this thing had been growing in my heart and blocking our friendship and that I was sharing it because I loved and cared about her and our friendship, I was not met with a GLAD response, but instead the most defensive "Ugh, I can never do anything right!” response.
On the other hand, I had an experience with my friend Julie, where I was the one to impact her negatively. She had invited us to go up to Tahoe with her family for the weekend, and while we had made this plan, when the time came to go we were feeling depleted and had to cancel at the last minute.
I told her how terrible it felt to cancel. What I really loved about her response was that she told me directly, “I’m bummed. I need you to know that we plan our calendar in advance and if people are flaky and don’t come, we don’t generally invite them back. But you’re someone who I want to keep growing a friendship with so I wanted you to know that.”
I was able to practice my GLAD response, i.e. telling her how thankful I was she shared that, how much I love and respect our friendship, that I was sorry, and that I definitely won’t put her in that situation again. To this day she is someone I really trust and value, and our friendship has deepened.
Now, I am telling you these stories to imagine how it would feel to both share that you are hurt and to receive a GLAD response, and how good it will feel to give it back to someone you care about.
Being accountable when you do something that hurts a friend can not only clear things up but also can deepen your friendship.
Remember the G.L.A.D. Accountability Process we talked about last time:
G - Gratitude
L - Love
A - Apology
D - Doing it differently next time.
Gratitude - “Thank you for telling me.”
Love - “I love you and never meant to hurt you.”
Apology - “I’m sorry I hurt you.”
Doing it differently - “Next time I will _______”
When you start practicing this in your friendships, it becomes easier to practice it with a partner where the stakes might feel higher.
Give it a try, and better yet, share this post with a friend or two and get some conversation going!
Andrea
P.S. It’s worth mentioning that not all relationships have earned the right to share your intimate feelings with them. When deciding to have a hard conversation with a friend, I ask myself a question: “Is this a friend that I really care about and want to deepen my relationship with?” If the answer is yes, then I discuss the ways I’ve been impacted, otherwise, I don’t say anything and watch the relationship slowly end. So the rule of thumb is: if you care about the friendship, say something if you want to keep the friendship.