what to say
Recently I heard a story about one of my clients telling their husband an important and vulnerable story and its sad aftermath.
The response was silence, then “I’m tired”, then more silence. The awkwardness was thick enough to cut with scissors.
Sometimes it’s hard to know what to say, especially when someone tells you something that’s intense, scary, sad, or awful.
I’ve recently experienced this with one of my best friends who lives in Israel.
And given the intensity of this moment in history, I thought it could be valuable to share some scripts for what to say when you don’t know what to say.
The next time your spouse, friend, or neighbor shares something vulnerable, here’s a suggestion:
You first need to honor what a gift it is that they shared their experience with you in the first place. They are giving you something precious and it needs to be received with care. So this could sound like, “Thank you for sharing this with me. I feel honored that you shared this with me.”
Secondly, often people don’t say something because they simply don’t know what to say, especially when war, death, or injuries occur. It’s scary and awkward and you have to contend with your own feelings of powerlessness. You literally can do nothing about the situation. In these moments, you can say the above, and then follow it up with, “I don’t know what to say.” And make eye contact which creates intimacy and connection.
Putting these two together will help you out of almost any situation and leave the other person feeling like they and their experience are valuable.
3. And for those of us who are particularly uncomfortable with powerlessness, you can add a third part of your response, which is, “Is there anything you need?” And you can also offer them a hug.
To put it all together, the response could sound something like this:
“Thank you for sharing this with me. I feel honored that you trust me with this. I don’t know what to say. Please let me know if you need anything. Would you like a hug?”
Remember, the worst thing you can do is ignore the person and their experience.
But if you did make that mistake, you can always go back to your spouse or friend and say,
“Hey, I was so awkward the other day when you told me, and I need you to know that I heard you and feel honored you shared with me. I didn’t know what to say, I still don’t. But thank you for sharing with me and please let me know if you need anything. Can I give you a hug?”
I hope you feel brave enough to reach out, even when you don’t know what to say.
With love,
