How do you feel when your partner talks about one of their exes? 

It’s totally normal to not like it, especially at the beginning of a relationship. Still, I’m going to say that it is actually an important part of intimacy and something that every couple should do. 

Why? Part of deepening your intimacy in the present relationship is sharing parts of your past. When you talk about your exes, there’s an opportunity to be more vulnerable and share some of your key learnings from that relationship, whether it was how you learned to communicate better about your feelings or when you realized you weren’t getting what you needed, or how your heart was broken.

It requires emotional maturity to do this. Of course, it will be uncomfortable to imagine your person having sex with or loving someone else. But we also need to have gratitude to those who came before because they set them up to be who they are now. 

With every relationship, we learn and grow. We learn more about ourselves and what we like and don’t like. We then bring part of these learnings into our next relationship. 

Remember: You’re a better person because of all your previous relationships, which have taught you about yourself. 

If you find it really difficult to talk about your past relationships or to listen to your current partner talk about theirs, set up some guidelines around how to take care of yourself. 

If this is really challenging for you, it might become too much at once. But you could say, “Can we talk about this for 10 minutes?” 

Start with small amounts of time and let yourself build up safety, tolerance, and the muscle to be able to handle more later. After taking time to process, you can ask your partner questions. Think about it from the perspective that you are learning more about your partner and letting them know more about you. 

Though hard or scary at first, there can be a lot of benefits to bravery!

You got this!