You don’t mean to yell at your husband when he buys the wrong chicken, but you do because you’re having people for dinner and you’re under stress and now it’s too late to follow the recipe you had in mind. You get angry and you show it. 

What you might not notice is what’s underneath the anger (and the chicken?) 

You feel powerless. There seems to be nothing you can do in that moment. And when people are feeling a loss of control, they typically turn to anger because powerlessness is one of the most difficult things for a human to experience. (If you have kids, you might feel this often!)

Anger is a great solution because, similar to other addictions like gambling, extreme sports, or even drugs, the brain releases dopamine when you're angry. This helps give you a pleasurable boost to avoid the more uncomfortable feeling of powerlessness. 

Check it out yourself - The next time you get angry, reflect on the physical sensations that come up and where they live in your body. Follow that feeling very closely, almost as if you had a magnifying glass on it, and you might start to feel a rush of pleasure somewhere amidst the anger. That’s the dopamine. 

The way you are getting pleasure is by discharging anger onto your people, but let’s not do that anymore! There are other way less destructive ways to feel pleasure. 

You might be thinking, “So what do I do next time I’m angry, Andrea?”

Allow me to provide some guidance here! 

Here are a few of my favorite ways to healthily discharge anger: 

• Light a match. When you get angry, light a match and watch it burn. Once it’s fully burned take an inhale and exhale. 

• Dump with a friend. Create a system with a close friend or two where you can leave each other voice memos to vent and complain and release the anger or stress you’re feeling. I do this via WhatsApp with a group of my closest friends, and it has helped me SO MANY TIMES. By letting out all the angry thoughts to someone who it’s NOT directed at, it helps you clear your head and think more rationally about what you do want to say later. 

• Smash some eggs. Get a carton of eggs and a marker. Write words on each egg that represent the thing or person you are made at, and then one by one, smash the eggs into a gutter. 

• Uncover the root of it. Talk with a therapist to review your past trauma and better understand where the anger comes from. When we learn more about ourselves, we can make different and better choices in our reactions. 

• Come up with a mantra. Think of something you can repeat to yourself in the moment you start seeing red, to create some calm and grounding. Here’s mine: “She who keeps her peace, wins the war”

Go ahead and share this with a friend or two who can help hold you accountable and practice the art of healthy anger. 

I’d love to hear how it goes! 

Andrea

Andrea Dindinger, M.A.
https://www.andreadindinger.com/

P.S. I want to mention that there’s nothing wrong with anger. It’s totally normal and ok to be angry, but it’s how you discharge it that’s important. Whether it’s our spouses, our children, friends, neighbors, or the one who cuts you off in the car, letting anger out in a destructive way can have really bad consequences, so it’s a smart idea to develop some better techniques for managing it!