Early on in my relationship, when our babies were still babies, and both were sick, Chris went skiing for a long weekend and left me home alone with both of them. I felt so pissed and abandoned as I took care of everything on my own. I was mad at him all weekend. We hardly talked.

When he got home, I said, “We need to talk about this.”

He got flustered and replied, “Well, do you just want a divorce then?!”

My response was: “No, stupid! I’m just mad, and I need you to hear how mad I am.”

I can’t tell you how often friends of mine and clients share similar stories of jumping to the idea of divorce after a fight. While divorce can be a viable option in some cases, it often doesn’t have to be. 

I like to think of it this way - 

As a parent, when your kid tells you they want to quit a sport, it can be good practice to say, “You can quit, but you can’t quit on a bad day.” (Because wouldn’t anyone want to quit after losing a game or two or feeling not good enough?)

Let’s translate this to marriages, too. To me, it seems like a much better idea to assess the relationship after you’ve had a great Sunday together as a family. In this way, you can judge when you’re not in a triggered place and can see the full picture more clearly. 

If things in your relationship have been less than ideal and the word “divorce” has crossed your mind, here are some points to consider that could help you assess.

When it might be good to think about divorce:

• A somewhat strange but tell-tale indicator is that you can’t stand the smell of your partner.

• Imagine you are in a swimming pool with your partner, and they swim to the edge to get out of the pool. Someone hands them a towel, and they walk off with them holding hands. If you have no feelings about it - you might be done. 

• When something big or small or happy or sad occurs, they aren’t one of the first three people you call to share the news with. 

• Your partner has cheated on you, and you have no interest in repairing that break in trust.

When it’s more about disconnection that can be repaired: 

• You are often both sitting on the couch on your phones, in your own world.

• You roll your eyes at them often or notice them rolling their eyes at you.

• It seems like you are ships passing in the night or running parallel lives and not interacting except with the occasional conflict.

• There are things that you are holding back from sharing with your partner.

Remember, going to couples counseling is not a sign of failure. It never hurts to get an outside perspective to support you and your spouse as you’re going through this thing called life. Pausing during or after a conflict is where change occurs, and conflict doesn’t have to mean separation; if done well, it deepens intimacy and trust. 

Much love,