You don’t have to stay together.
“Ya know, you don’t actually have to stay together.”
I sat there beside my ex husband (still married to him at the time) as these words from our therapist washed over me. It felt like not only incredible truth, but incredible freedom and permission to look at our marriage honestly.
Even after making the decision to get divorced, we spent 5 years trying to untangle ourselves from each other. It was not easy.
Getting divorced often means enduring tremendous pain. It’s not for the weak or timid...it calls on us to use every bit of strength inside of us. (And what’s great about strength is that it just keeps growing. The more we use it the more it grows, kinda like basil.)
Years later when I became a couples therapist, I really wanted to help people avoid that same pain I had gone through in my divorce. However, I also recognize that I’m so profoundly grateful I went through it because there’s no way I could still be married with my ex and be a healthy person.
So while I know that pain is necessary and we can’t really avoid that part of it, we can learn to communicate better, which will help ease the pain - or at least not prolong it.
Because here’s the truth -
Divorce doesn’t happen in one day or with one act… it’s a million little ones piled up over time. A million ways we turn away from each other.
If people just talked to each other…
Hey look, I think you’re drinking too much
Hey look, I didn’t like how you were flirting at that party
Hey look, you’re being an asshole
Hey look, you spent too much at Target
Hey look, I feel lonely
...we might actually begin to understand one another and catch the discord before it grows deeper.
How do you talk to your partner?
Quick example before I get into your homework for the month….
Upon hearing the shocking and heartbreaking news that Jack Kornfeld, my meditation teacher, had gotten divorced, it stunned me and inspired me to ask my husband Chris if he thought divorce was an option for us. He said: “Yea, I think about getting divorced. It makes me a better partner, keeps me on my toes.”
After un-dropping my jaw, I realized I had to open up my heart to that possibility, too. Even though it’s the furthest thing from possible with us, it’s still a possibility. If you’re walking into any marriage without that possibility, you’re deluding yourself. Sometimes divorces are for the better.
Let me be really clear here -
I’m not saying you should or shouldn’t get divorced. What I’m saying is that when you open up to say “this is a possibility,” you’re living a more honest, awake, aware marriage. It’s a way of not taking your relationship for granted.
So here’s an action for you:
Sit down and talk to your partner: Is divorce a possibility for us? What are the things we need to strengthen in order to make it less of a possibility?
If you know that this marriage is over for you, sit down and let them know it’s over for you. For some of you that might mean it’s done and you walk away, for others it might mean you schedule a session with a therapist.
Listen, I know this is a scary conversation. It’s one that needs to be done with time, presence, and sobriety.
For those of you who are happily married, it’s an opportunity to deepen intimacy and do a mini review about the things that can be tweaked and improved upon and discussed more openly in your marriage. This is an opportunity to create more connection.
For those of you who are struggling in your marriage, remember the wise words of my therapist from years ago: you don’t have to stay together. And you may be better off apart.
Sending love and basil strength,
Andrea
p.s. I recognize this one was heavier than usual…. Let me leave you with this: