We’ve all been there.

“Hey wanna have sex tonight?”

[subtle eye roll, loud sigh]

“You’re never in the mood.” 

“No, it’s not that…”

[back and forth, back and forth]

LOUD SILENCE. No sex for at least another month. 

Those kinds of interactions can be destructive beyond the moment they take place, leaving a sour taste throughout the rest of the night which permeates the entire family and leads to more disconnectedness. 

Let’s avoid that trap, ok? 

Today I want to help you to recognize defensiveness and communicate differently, so that you can build connection, rather than tear it down. 

Here’s another way to go about that same conversation: 

“Hey wanna have sex tonight?”

[subtle eye roll, loud sigh]

“What's going on, are you ok? You haven’t been feeling it for a while it seems?”

“You’re right… between the kids, the dog, the work, the chores, this house being a mess, getting taxes done and signing up for camp... I’m exhausted by the end of the night.”

“Yea, you have a lot on your plate. Is there anything I can do?” 

“Well, you taking care of the taxes would be major foreplay… [wink wink]”

“Done. And what about morning sex?”

[Laughs] “Yes, let’s.”

When our partner responds with a No or an eye-roll, it’s easy to interpret as them not listening, caring, or loving us. It’s not true, but that’s the interpretation. 

Here’s a simple framework to use next time you hear a No, catch an eye-roll, or feel yourself jumping to the defense:

1. Recognize defensiveness - As soon as you hear yourself or feel yourself reject what the other person is saying, you’re being defensive. Your body might tighten, your jaw clench, your eyes roll. Just noticing this reaction is key before you can make a different choice. 

2. Consciously set it aside - Make the decision to pause. Don’t blurt out the counter-argument. Take a breath and be open to hearing what they are actually saying.

3. Be lovingly curious - Ask a question to find out what’s going on inside of them. Ask them how they are feeling and empathize with what they are going through. 

4. Acknowledge and offer support - Acknowledging what your partner is feeling is an opportunity for appreciation. They will feel safer, softer, and more willing to communicate when they feel validated. 

Now I know it takes a lot of vulnerability, trust, and maturity to have conversations like what I’m suggesting here. This is why we spend lots of time on it in my Relationship Revival Bootcamp :) 

Be gentle with yourself and your partner in the process. Remember that recognizing defensiveness is truly the first step and that alone can do wonders to shift what happens. 

Get curious, listen, and be open to new possibilities. 

To your connection,

Andrea