“Why would you say that?”

“Why are you being such a @#$%!?”

“Why do you always do that?”

If you didn’t guess, those are examples of what NOT to say to your partner. 🤪

When you start your question with “why,” you are putting the other person in the position of having to defend themselves. When someone feels defensive in the conversation, it becomes a competition and then someone must win. This leads to more fighting and thus more disconnection, which can lead to bigger rifts down the road.

So what do you say instead? Especially when you’re annoyed, frustrated, or not happy with your partner’s actions?

Here’s a simple communication trick: replace “why” with “what.”

“What’s going on? Is everything ok?”

“What’s wrong? Do you want to talk?”

“What made you say that? Is something bothering you?”

Notice the different feelings and thoughts that come up when you read those questions versus the ones I opened this email with.

“Why would you say that?” compared with  “What makes you say that?” is a simple switch in language that has a HUGE impact on the way it lands.

When you start your question with “what,” it’s an invitation to share and be open.

The goal shifts from having to win or compete into trying to understand yourself and your partner, while creating a deeper and safer connection within your relationship.

And don’t we all want more of THAT?

I’d love to hear how this lands for you. Join me over on Instagram or LinkedIn and drop a comment if you’re ready to give this tip a try!